my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
