before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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