I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
