if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
