those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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