I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
