Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
