He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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