my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize