My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
