I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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