I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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