I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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