i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
