so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
