you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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