I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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