i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Randomize
