The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
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