I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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