im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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