i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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