Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
