Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
