Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
