so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think my moral compass just broke
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
