Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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