i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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