I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
How does it feel to date your dad?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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