My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
