If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
