Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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