My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
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Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
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please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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