she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
