Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
