i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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