Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
