Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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