I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
