Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
