We won't sleep together?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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