It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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