All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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