he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
