WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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