Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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