It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
