my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
