I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
