last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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