i think my tv is drunk
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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