also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
