he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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