went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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