hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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