So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
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shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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