We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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