Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i will never coherently bang her
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
