Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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