I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
