i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
thus making me awesome and them whores
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
